Look Forward
by JaiSpade
Summary: AU story. Beckett has a secret she has to deal with, but she doesn't have to do it alone.


**I'm back with another one. It's a little out there, I think, so please give it a chance.**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Castle or any of its content.**

It was a scary thought. It was something she never thought about before, well, not in the way that she was now. It had crossed her mind before, but as a fleeting notion and as something she never thought she wanted. She wasn't so sure she wanted it now, but under the circumstances, it felt like something she needed. And that was a scary thought.

Now she found herself pacing the hallway in the morgue awaiting her best friend who'd become like a sister to her; the one she told pretty much everything to when she needed advice or just a comforting shoulder to lean on or even a metaphoric slap in the face when desperate times called for desperate measures. The present confliction brewing within her definitely called for one, but she felt she needed the advice, the shoulder, and the slap. That particular thought had her wringing her fingers nervously, mentally debating leaving before the medical examiner arrived.

The doors swung open and a surprised gasp echoed through the rather quiet hallway. "Beckett." Too late. "Damn it, girl. You scared me."

"Sorry," grimaced the detective.

"What's got you here at this hour?" Lanie checked her watch to confirm that it was, indeed, ten minutes to seven a.m.

"I needed to talk to you."

"Well, step into my office," she replied, gesturing to the double doors to her right. The two women crossed the threshold and Lanie moved over to her desk. "So, what's up?"

Beckett stood just inside the doors and her fingers were fidgeting again until she shoved them into her coat pockets. She stood silent for another beat. "I'm pregnant."

The medical examiner dropped her lab coat back onto the chair and turned to her friend, shocked. "Whoa, Kate."

"Well, I was…I was pregnant."

Lanie shook her head and stepped toward her. "Okay, back up. Who's the father?"

Beckett immediately looked toward the floor, toeing the tile with her boot clad foot, to gather her thoughts, before looking back up. "Will."

"Will? Sorenson? But he left last year."

"He came back. About a month ago. He didn't stay long, just a few days, and we met up and there were some residual feelings and…"

"And it ended with my favorite indoor game. Wow. Why didn't you tell me before?" Lanie smiled, but then it was replaced with confusion. "Wait, you said 'was.' What happened?"

Beckett blew out a breath. "I miscarried." The room was silent for a moment. "My body wasn't in the right shape, something about my womb being an inhabitable environment. It couldn't handle…I wasn't strong enough to hold my…" Tears formed in her eyes. "My baby."

"Oh, my god. I'm so sorry, honey." Lanie immediately had her arms around her friend, offering the only comfort she could.

"It's crazy, though. I couldn't imagine, you know, being a mom. I work too much and I'd be raising it on my own and god, what would I do with a kid?" Beckett closed her eyes and her mind was instantly filled with images of a little boy – she was sure it'd be a boy – blinking up at her, laughing, fussing, growing. The tears leaked from her eyes and she sniffled, trying to keep her emotions at bay.

"You'd be a great mom, Kate. I'm sure." Lanie released her and smiled at her. "And you'd never be alone. You have me, and the boys. We'd be there to help in any way we can, you know that. You even have Castle now."

"I don't have Castle," Beckett shook her head. "He's off doing god knows what with his ex-wife. We haven't heard from him in over two months."

"Doesn't mean he'll be gone forever."

"I don't know, Lanie."

"Look, Kate. Regardless of Castle's personal life, he's your friend and he'd be there for you if he knew. Don't doubt that." Beckett simply nodded her agreement. Somewhere deep in her mind she knew her friend was right.

(((o)))

By the end of the summer, Beckett was able to lock the experience in the little box she kept in the dark place in her heart and tried to move on from it. A month passed from her conversation with Lanie and at most times she didn't think about what she had lost or about what it meant. She never told Will. She figured since it practically never was, there was no reason to let him know. He was pretty much unreachable anyway. As for Castle, he was back and riding along with Beckett and her team again. After the case with counterfeiting and them basically saving each other's lives, she had to take him back as her partner. Not that it was a real pain or anything.

She never told him. She figured it wasn't important enough to mention. It would be her little secret; a burden she felt she'd carry for a long time. Castle seemed too busy with other things to really question her about her summer, though. So it was easy to deflect and pretend it never happened. Honestly, she couldn't understand why she had the nagging feeling to tell him in the first place, seeing as how it didn't concern him in the least. But the thought was still there.

"Alright, I'm calling it a day," Beckett said. She stood from her desk and began collecting her things. "Night, boys."

"Night."

"Night, Boss."

"Leaving already?" came Castle's reply. He stopped at her desk, his hands in his pockets.

"Uh, yeah. We don't have anything new on the case, so we'll just start fresh in the morning." She attempted to shove her padfolio into her bag and missed, sending her bag to the floor.

"Oh, here." Castle knelt to pick up the bag and the few items that fell out of it.

Beckett turned to grab her jacket. "Thanks."

"What's this?"

She turned to see him standing upright again, one hand holding her bag and the other holding a photo. Her sonogram photo. "Oh, it's nothing." She yanked it out of his grasp and thrust it back into her handbag before briskly walking toward the elevators.

He was stunned silent for a few moments before his gaze caught her rushing to the lift. He quickly followed her. "Kate, was that a-"

"It was nothing, Castle. Just drop it." She turned and got on the elevator, quickly pushing the button to close the doors. He was quicker, though, and she was now confined in the small space with him. "Castle, please. Don't worry about it."

"Are you…are you pregnant?"

She looked up at his face, gaging his reaction. He looked slightly troubled. "What does it matter?" she asked warily.

"It matters, Kate! This is huge! You're having a baby!"

"No! No, I'm not." That quieted him. She closed her eyes and took a breath, composing herself. "I'm not pregnant, Castle. Now, please. Just forget about it and go home." She exited the elevator without another word when it stopped on the garage level she had parked her motorcycle on. He followed her with his eyes before she disappeared behind a row of cars.

(((o)))

He couldn't forget it and he didn't go home. This was obviously something that bothered Beckett deeply if she walked around with a sonogram photo and what kind of a friend would he be if he didn't make it his mission to make her feel better? So after a few minutes of pondering, he made his way to her favorite Chinese restaurant and picked up a large carton of shrimp lo mein, a carton of teriyaki chicken, and a few egg rolls. He even stopped by a convenient store to grab a tub of her favorite ice cream – French vanilla – before venturing on to her apartment. He showed up around nine on her doorstep and he took a steadying breath. Then he knocked. The door swung open, revealing a surprised Kate. "Castle? What are you doing here?"

He held up the bags of food. "I come bearing apologies."

"Uh, what for?" She stepped aside to let him in.

"For prying and jumping to conclusions earlier," he answered as he placed the food on her kitchen counter. She closed the door and followed in silent inquisition. "I wasn't sure what you were in the mood for, so I got shrimp lo mein. You eat that the most."

Kate smiled softly. "Thank you. That's really sweet."

He smiled goofily at her and they filled two plates of food before moving to her couch. Rick poured out some red wine and brought it over. They ate in comfortable silence, enjoying good food and good company. Kate was lost in a whirlwind of thoughts ranging from happiness to wariness to anxiousness and then back around. Castle's mind was swirling with similar emotions, though he always was feeling disappointment and sadness. He couldn't believe Kate was possibly pregnant. He wanted to know when and by who and why it couldn't be him. That last question worried him. Sure he felt strongly about her, but was it really that deep that he wanted to father her children? He couldn't figure out that one.

When the meal was over and they were sated, lounging on the couch with their glasses propped on a knee, Castle broke the silence. "I don't think you can get better Chinese anywhere else."

"Hmm, me neither." Kate glanced at him. "It was really nice of you to stop by. Thank you."

"You don't have to thank me, Kate. I'm your partner."

She was silent for a moment. "Is that all?"

He studied her for a moment. She looked nervous, sucking her bottom lip into her mouth and creasing her forehead in a remarkably adorable way. She wanted a real answer and he needed to phrase it properly. "When it comes to you and me, partner is the perfect word to describe what we are to each other. To other people, it may be confined strictly to work. But for us, it means everything. Work, friends, anything you want us to be. I'm here for you, always."

Kate nodded and let the words soak in. She kept silent for a few more beats. Castle leaned his head on the back of the couch and closed his eyes. He welcomed the quiet, simply enjoying being with her. He felt a gentle pressure on his left hand. He opened his eyes to see her hand moving into his. His fingers reflexively wrapped around hers and gave her a soft squeeze. "I was pregnant," she whispered. He stroked the back of her hand with his thumb encouragingly. "It was almost two months ago. I wasn't feeling very well. I thought it was a bug or something, but it continued for about a week and so I went to the doctor. He told me I was a few weeks along. I was shocked and scared and kind of upset, but then kind of excited. I'd known for maybe two weeks that I was pregnant and I was reading up on everything I could to prepare for it. The next time I went to see the doctor, I got the ultrasound and seeing that little peanut-sized baby growing inside me on that screen, I was overwhelmed." Tears clouded her eyes and blocked her throat.

"Then what happened?" He gently prodded, his thumb still making comforting circles on her skin.

She sniffled and looked down at their hands, naturally entwined. It somehow put her at ease. "I had been spotting for a while, but the doctor said it was natural. Some women go through the same thing, so I didn't worry too much. The day after the ultrasound, I was staying late at the precinct and I suddenly felt this sharp pain in my stomach. I knew it wasn't nothing, so I ran to the bathroom and I found a pool of blood. It was more than the usual spotting. It didn't take a genius to figure out what happened, but I went back to the doctor the next day and he told me I'd miscarried." She ran the back of her free hand along her nose and shifted in her seat, scooting a little closer to Castle, silently seeking his embrace.

He immediately let go of her hand to wrap his arm around her, pulling her into him. "I am so sorry," he mumbled as he pushed the hair away from her face. "Do you know why it happened?"

"My body wasn't strong enough to hold my baby. It was too much strain for it to handle," she answered. She fisted her left hand in his shirt.

"Oh, Kate. I don't even know how to begin to make it better for you."

"This is enough," she whispered. "It's so funny, too. I was only pregnant for a month, only knew about it for two weeks, but I already loved it so much. It was my baby."

"I know."

"And knowing that my body is uninhabitable, how am I ever going to have children when I'm ready for it?"

He softly gripped her chin and brought her gaze up to his. "Kate, when you're ready, your body will be ready too. Right now, it was unexpected. You couldn't have known it was going to happen. The doctor said it was because of strain, right?" She nodded. "Well, when the time comes, you will prepare yourself to carry your baby and it will be the right time. Now is not the right time for you to have a child. You're dealing with a lot and maybe it would be too much to handle right now."

She looked at him for a moment with watery eyes. Then she nodded. "I just…I don't know. It felt like it gave me something to look forward to, something special that brought joy to my life when I needed it the most."

"Kate, you have a lot of joy in your life to look forward to. You have your dad. You have the boys and Lanie. You have my mother and Alexis." He stroked her cheek. "You have me. And no matter what happens, I'm right by your side, all the way. I'm not saying this won't be hard to deal with, but in time you'll find you can cope with it and maybe even learn from it. It just wasn't meant to be and that's okay."

She raised her hand to his face, stroking his jaw with gratitude. "Thank you, Rick." She placed a warming kiss on his cheek and he wiped the tears from her face.

"If I may ask, who was the father?"

Kate cracked a small smile. "Will."

"Oh! Tall, brooding, and judgmental, huh? I thought maybe it would be Demming."

"Demming and I broke up."

His face showed confusion. "What? When?"

"Before you left for the Hamptons. I broke up with him so I could go with you."

Castle was stunned silent. Kate patted his thigh and rose from the couch. "You did? Why didn't you tell me?"

"I tried to. But then Gina showed up." She began clearing all the dishes from the coffee table and took them to the sink.

"Oh, crap. Kate, I didn't know. I'm sorry," he apologized, following her to the kitchen.

"No worries, Castle. It's fine. It's not like you have any ties to me," she shrugged halfheartedly.

"But I do," he said quickly. "Two weeks into the summer, Gina left the Hamptons. I was writing a chapter for the book and instead of writing Nikki, your name was there. Mine happened to replace Rook. You were all I could think about and when Gina read over the chapter, she knew it too. I'm sorry. I should've listened to what you had to say. I was just jealous of your relationship with Demming, I wanted to get away from everything that reminded me of you. It didn't work. You're in my veins, Kate. I can't get you out."

She stared at him blankly. He was rambling and he looked wracked with nerves and apologies. She couldn't let it go on any longer. She stepped toward him. "Castle, I forgive you."

"Really?"

She nodded. "Really. I'll be the first to admit, we're not very good at voicing our thoughts."

"No, we're not. For a man great with words, I always favored show more than tell." When she gave him a questioning look, he pulled her into his chest and kissed her deeply. Her surprise faded quickly and she wrapped herself around him, pulling him closer. The exchange lasted a few more beats before he pulled away. "I'm in this fully."

She leaned in and nudged his nose playfully with hers. "So am I."

**Okay, this is something I had gone through recently and I had to do something with what I was feeling. I didn't have someone amazing like Castle, however, to help me through it. I can live vicariously through Beckett, though. The ending was completely random, but I feel it works. Anyway, please leave reviews if you liked it.**


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